I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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