The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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