i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
