you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
