I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
