i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
