Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
