how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
