Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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