I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
