I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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