david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
