I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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