STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
