She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I want her autograph on my taint
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
