Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
