I think my fart just growled at me.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
