The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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