I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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