While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
