I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
