I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
