Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
