Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
