i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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