community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
