Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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