if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
