Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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