Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
