fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
