Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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