he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
