i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
