I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
