He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
