Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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