How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
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my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
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He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
the gays at disneyland are vicious
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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