she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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