Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
