I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
