If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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