Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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