Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
