Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
