Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
These tits shall not be calmed
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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