I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
