you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
