i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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