I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
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You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
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I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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