Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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