I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
