sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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