my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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