i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
