Screwed.edu
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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