My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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